Happy 2018

2. Happy 2018

Happy New Year guys!

I'm not really one for the "new year, new me" BS however I am making some changes to the way I usually am throughout the year.

I'm in my early 20's, and a lot of my life has had to drastically change in order for me to be a good mum. I was some what a bit of a party animal before falling pregnant, I liked dolling myself up and going to town with the girls and drinking as much tequila slammers and vodka redbulls I could before stumbling (or face planting) in at 5am to sleep it off for a full day. I worked at night too, so I had most of the daytime free, to shop and live in Whetherspoons. It's safe to say, I was a little bit mental (well, lets face it, I still am, because when does a baby ever make you sane). So meeting my SO was one of the best things that ever happened to me. He's tamed me, grounded me, sobered me. Well, he got me pregnant, so that counts as sobering me right? And I was totally prepared for him to run for the hills when I saw them two little lines. But he didn't. He just downed a large glass of my dads French brandy that's probably older than me and was fine with it. And honestly we've never been happier. Scored lucky there I think.
Anyways, went a tad off topic there...
When I did give birth to our little girl, I felt so cleansed from the early nights, the rest, no alcohol, flat shoes; I didn't even miss my party lifestyle. But slowly, I started to miss the lifestyle after seeing all my friends out on nights out that I couldn't go to  because I had a newborn. I didn't (and don't) resent my baby, I just felt sad because I finally had a decent group of friends, but could never spend time with them because they aren't quite at the stage in life where we go to lunch without having a pint of cider or pitcher of purple rain and have babies attached to breasts. I just felt so alone. I didn't really have many friends who were mothers - and the mothers I did know all had children, were all in nursery or school so they had more free time to, well, day drink.
I started to isolate myself. It was me and baby all day every day. My SO would come home from work around 7:30pm, we'd eat tea and I'd then cart myself off to bed, just to get the day over with - even though it was going to be exactly the same the next day. I basically wished my 2017 away. I rarely heard from my friends, my postnatal depression and my anxiety made it extremely difficult to go out and meet other new mums, go to mum and baby groups, even go to the shops for milk sometimes. I only went out when I absolutely had to. I spent my time reminiscing about my party days and how they were over. I never really thought about how wonderful my life is now I have my daughter.
Now I know this makes me sound like a horrible mum, but honestly I'm not. I was spiralled into this world of depression that I found far too difficult to get out of. I  tried my best to clinch  onto the life that I now know, I don't even want anymore. I mean, my friends rarely even spoke to me since the baby was born - why would I want that in my future? People who only want me when I'm drunk, it's like when a bloke texts you to come round at 3am - always a bad idea. Am I right? When I finally stopped hanging onto my past, I realised I hadn't been as attentive as I could've been, my SO carried me and mini cheddar through all of 2017 - that's not fair on him, or her.
So this year, 2018, I'm focused, I'm medicated and I'm determined. To focus on my family and not to dote on things that aren't even important anymore. I'm growing a new maturity to myself that me and my daughter deserve.