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Some Pre-bedtime Thoughts

3. Some Pre-bedtime Thoughts


I know, I go to bed far too early. I'm slightly anaemic and I have a man-child and a child-child.

I'm starting to get that sinking feeling I get when I know tomorrow I'll be on my own with the baby again. I dread it. I don't want to, I want to be better this year. I hate having nerves about not having help  when my back twinges or I get dizzy, sad or sleepy. I want to be able to put these feelings to the back of my mind (or even better, in the bin) so I can focus on baba. I hate being so dependant on my SO, I need to shake this feeling off. I've been feeling great today, I put some washing on, played with mini cheddar, got washed and dressed myself, tidied the living room, took the Christmas decorations down and even chilled out a bit while SO did some housework. We got a lot done. The Christmas/ New Year period throws all my normal duties out of whack - and they were already out of whack because of my depression and anxiety that has been quite frequent recently. The fact I've felt like a "normal mum" today has made me feel so happy  and accomplished. Being able to even get mini cheddar down for a sleep long enough for me and SO to have some boyfriend/ girlfriend time (like we watched an entire movie without any distractions). I  guess what I'm saying is, I'm finally starting to enjoy his time off, but he goes back to work tomorrow.
I think just knowing I'm not going to have his help if I need it is subconsciously making me think I can't do it without him - sends my mind into overdrive. I know I can do it - because I have done it, but part of me just feels like she is gonna be a demon and my backs gonna give in. I need to get these thoughts out of my head. But how?
It's the same every time he has a week off, come the night before work and my head is like "Lyd, she's gonna kick off and you won't be able to handle it. Your back isn't going to be able to handle the strain of constantly carrying her, picking her up, putting her down" even though I know I'll get through the day.

I'm just freaking out over nothing aren't I?
I can do it. I will do it.

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